Gift Ideas for the 1%
By Raj Mahal
Holiday shopping for others is something that most of us dread. I never know what to buy. On top of that. the hardest person to shop for is the person that doesn’t need anything, like for the 1%.
The thing that most of 1% want is the confidential FDA results of the biotech stock they own, before it becomes public. If you can’t provide that inside information, have no fear. I have complied a shopping list of gift ideas for all types of 1 percenters that will make you look like Santa.
Type: Wall Street Banker
Gift: Lumps of Coal company stocks
If you have a friend that works on Wall Street, chances are that he has been naughty. Giving the your banker friend a lump of coal is too easy. So get a little creative.
I recommend giving him or her lumps of a coal company stock like Walter Energy (WLT). WLT is down 89% for 2014 and has continued to get clobbered this month with oil prices in free fall. The stock closed at $1.72 yesterday. It’s 52 week high was $17.42. Perfect gift for the Wall Street banker that has been a bad boy or girl.
Type: Tech Genius
Gift: Maroon Hoodie
Mark Zuckerberg the CEO of Facebook has said he wears the same thing every day, “ because he wants to limit the time he spends making “frivolous” decisions so he can concentrate on real work.
I disagree with Zuckerberg. I don’t think it’s that hard to get dressed in the morning. Especially when most tech geeks wear the same basic outfit every day. So I recommend buying your tech genius a maroon colored hoodie.
I don’t know why maroon hoodies are a staple of Silicon Valley fashion. Maybe it’s because they dropped out of Harvard but still like the Crimson color? Maybe it’s because they think hoodies makes them feel gangster . Maybe they wear hoodies because they have been brainwashed, and are loyal disciples of hoodie wearing evil genius New England Patriots coach, Bill Belichick?
No matter what the reason, the tech genius will enjoy the hoodie and return the favor by hacking into your girlfriend’s computer.
Gift: Dollar Sign Chocolates
Most doctors believe that dark chocolate has health benefits such as lowering the risk of cardiovascular disease and lowering blood pressure. So buy them dark chocolate in the shape of dollar signs complete with green edible glitter. This should cheer them up.
Doctors have it rough these days. They enter the workforce with hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. They have to deal with Ebola concerns. Doctors can enjoy these chocolate dollar signs to replace the dollars taken away from them, thanks to the rollout of Obamacare.
Gift: Bar Briefcase
According to the Lawyer Assistance Program, lawyers are twice as likely to struggle with alcohol abuse as the general population. This is important fact to note especially to my Wall Street friends. We aren’t the best at everything.
Picnic Time offers a Portable Bar Travel Set that looks like a real briefcase. They have different models that can discreetly carry liquor bottles, martini glasses and cocktail shakers. Present this gift to your lawyer friend and explain that this bar set is great to discretely use at work, in court and when watching Law and Order on the subway. If your lawyer friend, is very excited about the endless possibilities, it is time to check him or her into rehab.
Celebrity or Fake Celebrity
Being a celebrity clearly has its benefits. You can get into any restaurant, club or woman’s apartment just uttering the words, “My name is Leonardo DiCaprio.” The only drawback to being a celebrity is the overly intrusive paparazzi.
So buy your celebrity friend a Camoflash, which is an Anti-Paparazzi Clutch. The clutch uses an array of high-power LEDs to produce a stream of light at over 12,000 lumens and has a range of up to 12 feet. The light ruins the picture making the celebrity undetectable, which is helpful when the celebrity is going out with her boy toy.
The Camoflash is also a great gift to a well-dressed banker who wants to an fool a gaggle of sorority girls from Florida State, into thinking he is famous. Using the Camoflash works really well when leaving a nightclub at 3am, with your limo waiting outside. And when the ladies in your limo ask who you are, your response can be, “I am a producer.”
Type: Professional Athlete
Gift: Custom Monopoly Game
If you want to be a superstar athlete it takes more than god-given athletic ability. It requires hard work, discipline and a will to win. What sets apart Michael Jordan from Michael Vick was a desire to win at all costs.
Monopoly is a game very popular game among athletes. You win by bankrupting all your opponents. People use any tactic to win in Monopoly such as good defense and cheating, just like in professional sports.
Athletes will love a customized version of the game because it allows them to put their picture, jersey or mug shot on the board. In addition, if the recipient is an NFL player, the athlete can customize the Community Chest and Chance cards to allow for multiple “Get Out of Jail Free” cards, to make the game seem more authentic.
Type: First Wife of Billonaire
Gift: Spy Store Gift Certificate
Contrary to popular belief, being married to a billionaire is no easy task. Even if you don’t have a full time job, there is full regiment of PTA meetings, Chardonnay-filled brunches and daily Pilates classes to consider.
In addition, keeping track of what your spouse is hiding from you and what the help are stealing is almost impossible. Especially when you suffer from wine hangovers every afternoon.
So give them a gift certificate from the Spy Store. The Spy Store sells everything from detection devices, tracking systems and Mossad type spying technology to satisfy all your needs. Most of all, they provide what you need most… Discretion.
Type: Trust Fund Baby
Gift: Pretentious Pocket Square
Trust Fund Babies are universally hated and it’s not because most of them are entitled, lazy or pampered. It’s because we are jealous. Who wouldn’t want to be financially set for life coming out of the womb? And what do you buy Mr. Trust Fund who has everything but has done nothing to deserve it?
How about a pocket square from Pretentious Pocket? I am not sure why Pretentious Pocket founder and trust fund baby himself Justin Ross Lee, needed to add the word pretentious. It’s redundant to add pretentious to describe a pocket square.
What I can tell you is that Pretentious Pocket has some amazing names for their pocket squares. The Madoff, Up Yours and Lucky Fuck are some of my favorite. While you might find pocket squares obnoxious (another name of a Pretentious Pocket), wearing a Pretentious Pocket Square can ensure that you sneak past security at next year’s Hamptons Polo Classic.